I Coulda Done Better

The happiest moments that come to mind are those where I accept the challenge I never knew God could prepare or trust me to endure. I was a fatherless son for a while and God blessed me with a dad and a father. Becoming a parent is one of the most gratifying days that God could have ever allowed me to see. I wasn’t ready, couldn’t live in the moment and was not there to witness the miracle. I had one job that day and didn’t show up. I was in the midst of placing a generational curse on an innocent child. The guilt of not being there changed my life and my pursuit of happiness. You can’t make up lost time and your children will judge you as a good or bad parent. They selfishly don’t know any better and have no clue what you sacrifice for their good. They don’t know what you’ve gone through and won’t until they have children. The aha moment hit me and I realized my parents did their absolute best and the trials and tribulations life put us both asunder were for the better to allow to have the relationships we have today. I have not faced the day my son will ask where was I and why wasn’t I there for him. I prepared both answers and excuses, none make sense or are they good enough to pacify my immaturity to be seen as a good guy. He’s given me the benefit of the doubt or he knows who I think I’m not. As a parent God keeps you in constant worry even when you trust him. The fear is that they won’t harbor malice in their heart that will keep them from loving and not being afraid to love unconditionally through forgiveness that forgets but remembers the trigger. You pray that you are not their trigger that cause hurt, rejection or denial. God has forgiven me but can’t give me the time back. I’ve had more sons and a daughter. I’ve watched my oldest son be raised in a safe loving environment. He has a dad that loves him and a father that’s responsible and loving just as much. I know that my relationship in Christ has been redeeming and I feel his touch. As time goes by and we get older, I thank God for the blessing and what’s available. No matter what my children accomplish I recognize I could have done better. I’m praying they trust God more than me and we can grow in him together. Amen

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